There are a couple of other posts summarizing the two part Alice series on Syfy, but I ended up saving most of my real opinions for this post.

My Real Opinion
To me, it seems like the writers at Syfy simply combined plots from several different science fiction, action and adventure movies, and then just named all of the characters after the ones from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. There is essentially none of the playfulness or innocence of the original books or movies in Syfy’s version. Even American McGee’s Alice, which was extremely dark, still felt a bit innocent and playful in it’s own way. Maybe they got caught up trying to make it into a science fiction series, and then got lost when they tried to incorporate Wonderland into the plot.

The Matrix
One movie that Syfy’s Alice seems similar to is the Matrix. Almost all of the Queen’s henchmen look like agents from the Matrix — men in black suits wielding shotguns. The only henchmen who don’t look like agents from the Matrix are those who are supposed to be characters from Alice in Wonderland such as the March Hare, Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum, and the stupid looking guard with a club shaped headpiece. Even the March Hare, the coolest looking character, looks like an agent with a rabbit’s head. Also, Wonderland looks like a rundown metropolitan area, which is very Matrix-like.

Ring of Wonderland?
The next thing that I didn’t like about Syfy’s Alice was that they tried to incorporate the Ring of Wonderland into the series. Its possible that they got the idea from Lord of the Rings, but one thing is for sure — there isn’t a ring in any other previous versions of Alice in Wonderland. Perhaps they wanted a way for Alice to travel into Wonderland without dream sequences and drug references, or perhaps they were just trying to sell jewelry since Kay Jewelers sponsored the series. Either way, the ring is kind of lame as a plot device. I do respect the fact that they were trying a new angle on the story, but I just don’t think that it worked out very well.

Visual Appeal
The third thing that I didn’t like about the series was that it wasn’t very visually appealing. Yes, it was a low budget action series on a cable channel, but why even bother making a series about Wonderland if its not going to look amazing? Parts of the set, like the casino, looked pretty cool but overall the scenes looked drab and under decorated.

In conclusion, Alice in Wonderland was better when it was a brightly colored story about trippy talking cats, grumpy smoking caterpillars, and mad tea parties. The plot line about the ring, the agents from the Matrix, and the twenty-something version of Alice who has father issues was too far off base for me to enjoy personally. On the other hand, if they hadn’t associated the series with Alice in Wonderland, then I wouldn’t have watched it, so I guess they did what they had to do to get viewers.

Good Stocking Stuffer Ideas
After a negligible amount of research, I’ve come up with the most intensely amazing list of things you can put into a child’s stocking for Christmas. If a parent were to buy these things now, then they would have the happiest kid alive:

video games
batteries for other gifts
their favorite type of sandwich
artificial mustaches
stickers
chap stick
stick on jewels
breath mints
cool looking mouse pad
playing cards
portable low fat yogurt
headphones
colored pens or pencils
erasers
toy cars
key chains
mirror
hair brush
deodorant
dentures
gift cards
puzzles or puzzle books
paper back books
lip gloss
flash lights
DVD’s
magic tricks
Play-Doh
signed adoption papers
chocolate covered mints
accessories for another gift they are getting
do it yourself RFID implant kits
flip-flops with Sponge Bob on them
rub on tanning lotion
microwaveable popcorn
Nerf darts
new glasses or contacts
hats
fake poop
marshmallows
trading cards

Bad Stocking Stuffer Ideas
I truly feel that it is my duty to do my part for society by sharing my full scope of knowledge. That is why I’ve included this list of bad ideas to help out new or stupid parents. It is very important not to put any of these items into a stocking if you want the child to remain physically and psychologically healthy:

needles
weapons
other people’s filled stockings
spiders
fire ants
real poop
frayed wires that are plugged into a socket
super glue that is still sticky
hard drugs
battery acid
broken light bulbs
court summons
morally questionable stand up comedy videos
hot soup that has been poured directly into the stocking
nude pictures of yourself
detonator devices for bombs
instructions on how to kill yourself
their grandfather’s diary during a period of sexual exploration
mouse traps that have been set
dead animals
used condoms
laxatives
used underwear
vinegar flavored lube
all of their baby teeth

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The other day, the second (and final) episode of the Alice series was on Syfy , so its time to finish the summary before I forget.


Part 2 of Alice Syfy
This episode obviously picks up where the first one left off, in the interrogation room with Agents Dee and Dum. Alice is in a tiny imaginary house, with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum staring through the windows and trying to get her to say where she hid the Ring of Wonderland. She is standing on the only floorboard in the room, because all of the others fell into a black void below the room. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum convince Alice to write down where she hid the ring, and just after she writes down the wrong location, the Mad Hatter and the White Knight arrive to help her escape. They leave the building, and hop onto a couple of flying pink flamingo scooters. These guys dressed like agents from The Matrix also hop on pink flamingo scooters, and they eventually shoot down the White Knight, Alice, and the Hatter. The three crash into a lake, and then swim to the shore.

The Catepillar
After the three regroup, the Hatter decides to see if he can request help from the Caterpillar, who is the leader of the resistance. When the Hatter returns, he says that one of the Caterpillar’s agents is being sent to meet them. When the Caterpillar’s agent arrives, it turns out to be the Prince of Hearts, Alice’s boyfriend who turned against her in the previous episode. Jack Heart is actually working with the resistance to overthrow his evil mother, the Queen of Hearts. After Alice shows Jack where the ring is, he takes her to the Caterpillar, who ends up being an old guy sitting on some sort of boat office in the middle of a swimming pool. The Caterpillar sucks once from an unlit hookah because he is stupid and doesn’t know how to use a hookah.

The Casino
Next Alice learns that her dad, who left when she was a young child, has been brainwashed by the White Rabbit Corporation, and he is now their head scientist. In order to help Jack and the Caterpillar, Alice needs to get her father to remember the real world, which will thereby reverse the brainwashing and ruin all of the Queen’s plans. Alice and the Hatter end up back at the White Rabbit Corporation, and they start causing all sorts of trouble in the casino, where the magical elixirs are being extracted from innocent people. Alice and the Hatter begin to wake up the people so that they will remember their old lives. As the people wake up, they become agitated, which somehow causes the vats of magical elixirs to become volatile. Alice’s father rushes to the casino to stop them from ruining everything, and when he gets there Alice finally helps him remember the real world. Almost immediately after he remembers everything, he is shot by a henchman. Suddenly everyone realizes that the elixirs are going to cause the building to explode so they all run outside. Then everyone gathers outside to tell the Queen of Hearts that she isn’t in charge of Wonderland anymore.

Back to the Real World
Jack Heart asks Alice to be his queen, but she says no and then says goodbye to the Hatter. She steps into the portal that leads to the real world, and wakes up in a hospital with her mother. Her mother tells her that she has been knocked out for an hour because she ran into a brick wall. Apparently a construction worker saw her run into the wall, and he wants to meet her to make sure she is OK. Predictably, the Hatter is the construction worker who saw her and as soon as he and Alice meet, they start making out in front of Alice’s mom (I guess she likes to watch).

Anyway, that’s the end, so now you don’t have to spend four hours watching it if you don’t want to. Tomorrow I’ll write another article explaining everything I hated about Syfy’s Alice, even though I kind of had fun watching it.

Being an avid fan of anything having to do with Alice in Wonderland, I watched the first episode of the two part Alice series on the Syfy channel. So far, this version is absolutely nothing like any of the hundreds of other cartoons, movies, and video games based on Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass.

Summary of Alice Syfy
Basically, the first Syfy episode was about a grown up version of Alice who takes a trip into Wonderland so that she can find her boyfriend, who has been kidnapped by a man working for the White Rabbit Corporation. Before he is kidnapped, her boyfriend gives her a strange ring that allows her to cross over from the real world into Wonderland. When she arrives in Wonderland, Alice is captured by the White Rabbit Corporation, but she quickly escapes. She soon meets the Hatter, who says that he wants to help her. The Hatter tells her about how the White Rabbit Corporation kidnaps people from the real world, and then drains their positive emotions to make magical elixirs, which is then sold like a drug to the people of Wonderland.

The Queen of Hearts
Next, the Queen of Hearts, who is the head of the White Rabbit Corporation, sends the March Hare and a team of foot soldiers after Alice. The March Hare is a highly skilled assassin with a rabbit shaped cookie jar for a head. Anyway, Alice is eventually captured and brought before the Queen of Hearts. The Queen then explains that Alice’s boyfriend is actually the Prince of Hearts, and that he is already engaged to the Duchess. At the end of the episode, Alice is sent to Agents Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum for questioning.

So far this series isn’t the best version of Alice in Wonderland that I’ve seen, but I do find it entertaining to see all of the different adaptations that are out there. I’ll watch the last half of the series tonight before I make a final judgment on whether it is good or not. By the way, I skipped over the parts about the Dodo, the White Knight and the Jabberwocky, because they didn’t seem very important to the story.

During the Revolutionary War, the patriots faced some pretty tough odds against the British forces. At the time of the American Revolution, the British army was considered the strongest in the world, and their empire stretched around the globe. Despite their disadvantages, the patriots were able to pull through and win the war for several reasons.

Fighting on Home Turf
The first, and most often cited reason, is that the American colonists were fighting on their own land. If the English troops had grown up and trained in the colonies, they would have been better prepared for the terrain, the climate, and the fighting style of the patriots. Also, sending troops on a two month voyage across the ocean just to kill people, must have been tedious and depressing for the English soldiers.

Continued Conflict Kills Profits
Before the Revolutionary War, the British were making heaps of money on the trade and taxation of products in the colonies. After the patriots stopped obeying British laws, however, there was no more money coming in from the colonies. It simply didn’t make since for England to keep training and shipping troops over, when there was only a slim chance that they would make any profit.

Undermined by Other Countries
During the war, countries like Spain, France and the Netherlands did what they could to undermine British control throughout the world. Spain and the Netherlands started conflicts on other fronts, and France gave weapons and naval assistance to the patriots in order to help them ward off British control.

In conclusion, the patriots won the Revolutionary War because enough people in the colonies, and around the world, were willing to fight for America to be separate from the British Empire. It really wouldn’t have mattered who we fought during the revolutionary war, because with all of the support the colonists had, the result would have been the same.

What better way is there to continue a series of drawing posts than to sketch out a couple of cartoon cows? No better way — that’s how. Cartoons are great sources of entertainment for website visitors of all ages. Kids these days are constantly scouring the internet to find funny cartoon animals to laugh at, and parents love printing things out for their children to color, even though manual coloring is a horribly outdated technology.

My critiques have informed me that the first cartoon cow on the right is making a very effeminate gesture. So what? Do you have a problem with effeminate cattle? If you would rather look at manlier cows, then please check out my future post, Cartoon Bull Drawings. Unfortunately, bull art is not as marketable in today’s economy, so those drawings may take a few months to appear on the website. For now I’m going to stick to pictures of big beautiful bovines, or BBB’s as some of them like to be called.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll sometimes be searching the web for animated cattle, and in the middle of a daydream you’ll start to wonder how well a girlie cow would fill out a string bikini. Today my curiosity was too much to resist, and I ended up creating a
tasteful and priceless image that needs to be shared with the rest of the world. Whilst creating the sensual masterpiece on the right, I discovered that udders look terrible stuffed into a bikini top, so I replaced her udder with a set of DD’s. I guess it turns out that this post isn’t really for kids as much as adults, but its alright — you shouldn’t feel ashamed. I won’t tell anyone if you print out a copy for later.

It takes a lot of skill to draw an evil skull that actually looks menacing and scary. A beginner would be wise to follow my lead if they wanted to become more successful in the creation of their darkly themed artwork. Instead of a step by step tutorial, I’ll just casually tell you about a couple of things that critiques look for when judging these types of sketches.

If you’re not too scared, you can check out the close up of my evil skull drawing on the right, and try to notice the things in the image that have been added with the precise intent of sending a shiver up your spine. Right off the bat some jerks might point out that skeletons don’t have ears, and then they might say something about how ears are made out of cartilage — not bone. That may or may not be true, but skeletons are like ten times scarier when they have a place to hang their dangling pentagram earrings. A 666 sign on the forehead reinforces the satanic religious message that this particular skeleton is promoting.

A sure fire way to make a mandible look scary, is to give it a huge set of saber tooth tiger teeth, and then prop a Cuban cigar in there. Some people tend to think that a joint would be more evil than a Cuban cigar, but they are wrong because Cuban cigars have no medical purpose and have a higher tar content, which makes them worse. Plus, who would be scared of a stoned skeleton.

Money signs have been added to the eyes because money is the root of all evil, and a crossed set of bones are hanging in the background so that people will know that the skull is in the immediate vicinity of poison … which is evil. THE END.

The other day, I found out that my Revolutionary War Post is the most visited post on the website, so I started trying to think of ways to make BrainSauce.info seem more patriotic. First I was thinking of adopting a red, white and blue color scheme, but that would be too distracting for people who are actually trying to read. Next I thought about adding a patriotic background to the header image, but I decided it would start to look like a government run website, and that probably wouldn’t retain visitors very well. I almost threw up when I thought about trying to find free animated GIF’s of waving American flags, and being completely drained of ideas, I gave up on making things look more American.

A couple of days later, it finally hit me: Bald Eagle Drawings. Nothing screams patriotism more conveniently than Bald Eagles. These animals are majestic, stunning creatures that will ultimately send my website flying to the top of the charts, and then I’ll be so rich probably.

Also, bald eagles are going extinct, so in order to share these beautiful flying birds of prey with future generations, the United States will need to have as many of their images as possible available online. The more bald eagle drawings that we can pass to our children, the more powerful the country will be. If Americans don’t start drawing more bald eagles, we will probably have to choose some lame non-extinct animal like the cow or the pigeon, and that will just make all of our money look stupid. You think there’s a recession now? Just wait and see what happens when there is a cow on the back of your quarters … WHAT THEN?

Its starting to feel like this website could be a miserable failure. At this point, I have no idea what to write about, and none of my brilliant plans have worked out. I’ve written over 40 posts, but nothing very fruitful has come from my labors. I’m not really complaining to you, the reader — this is just a chance for me to vent while the website is still rarely visited.

When I started blogging a couple of months ago, I thought that the key to getting traffic was simply keyword selection. I still think that keyword selection has a lot to do with it, but you can’t just choose a bunch of unrelated crap to write about like I did — you have to find a niche! I do have to admit that I’ve brought in a lot more traffic than I would have if I had only asked my friends to look at the site, but it still isn’t enough. Yes, I read the warnings about how you should choose a niche for your blog if you want to get tons of traffic, but I didn’t want to choose one without knowing how all of this works.

At this point, I’m thinking its time me to target a smaller group of keywords based on what has brought me the most traffic so far. This leaves me with the post I wrote about the Revolutionary War, my three posts about Filipino Literature, and the lame review I wrote based on the quote “I like to think of Jesus as a Mischievous Badger.” Out of everything I’ve written so far, the Revolutionary War post has brought in the most traffic … go figure.

Anyway, I took a couple of months off to concentrate on hating the world, and now I’m back to give BrainSauce.info a sense of direction. The website is even starting to look better, which is reigniting my interest in writing, so maybe I’m back on the road to wherever I was going.

Also, someday I hope to get comments from someone besides the one Russian spammer who is stuffing my spam folder. Even legit comments in Russian would be fantastic, but not 30 comments from the same IP address, and all on the same article. So if anyone else has read anything here, then please feel free to talk!!

So you still haven’t bought any presents, and you need to come up with some last minute gift ideas. If you just want a list, then skip to the end, but for the patented New Age Gift Visualization Technique™, simply follow these instructions:

1. In order to get in the proper gift buying mood, its important to start with a meditation session, so that you can remember as much as you can about the people who you are buying gifts for. Relax, let the stress of last minute shopping leave your body. Meditation is absolutely necessary for the New Age Gift Visualization Technique™ to work.

2. Once you have allowed your mind to become completely clear, simply imagine a window that looks directly into the person’s living room. What is the person doing? Are they laying around watching DVD’s? Are they smiling in admiration at that framed portrait of your family dressed in sailor suits, which you gave to them last Christmas? Are they reliving their childhood with 8-bit video games? This step is essentially brainstorming, so it’s not necessary to go too deep.

3. Next, add the first random gift from your mind into the room with your friend. What is your friend’s imaginary reaction? If their reaction is positive, you are probably on the right track. If they have a negative reaction, try adding several other things into the mental picture, so that you can watch your friend’s reaction to each imaginary gift. It’s probably good to try several gifts anyway, just in case the friend has an even better reaction to a later gift.

4. Slowly bring yourself out of the meditation, making sure not to shock your senses with loud noises, sudden movements, or bursts of cold water. Next, write down your thoughts about gifts, and any new revelations about your friend, god(s) or the universe. This is the final step, so either repeat the process for another person, or go do something else.

If the New Age Gift Visualization Technique™ is not your box of salted tomatoes, here is a list of generic last minute gift ideas, which will help you satisfy your instinctual urge to become acceptable through the eyes of society by purchasing gifts for people:

Men’s sweat pants
Novelty slippers
Decorative ninjutsu training weapons
Box-wine or box-wine coolers
Used couch or papasan
Assorted colors of construction paper
Underwear that has a sexy phrase written across the butt
Mild Tabasco sauce
VHS recordings of children’s television from the 80’s
Two-Day passes to the New Age Gift Visualization Technique™ training seminar
Sausage
The gift of a child’s laughter

Photo Provided By: George Eastman House Collection

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